Wednesday, September 11, 2013

The grass isn't always greener

Appreciating what you have is probably one of the most difficult things anyone can do. Being happy with, and comfortable with yourself and where you fit into the world is something that I have rarely seen. It just seems to be a natural flaw in humans; we want what others have.

I am not even talking about money and other forms of physical wealth. Those things are pretty well given. I think we all accept that no matter how much money or stuff we have we will always want more. We always want something new and different and can find someone else that has what we want to envy.

I am talking about things that are much more personal to each of us. I am talking about ourselves. No one is content with the way they are. Their body, their hair, their nose, their talents; you name it, people aren't satisfied with it. We are always looking at others thinking how great it would be if we had their hair/eyes/voice/teeth/whatever.

The funny thing is that those attributes we covet are probably the things those people hate the most about themselves. We want their hair and they would love to have yours. It is a vicious cycle that we live through every single day.

I am of course no different than anyone else.

For example I have curly hair. It used to be very thick and dense but for various reasons it has gotten sadly thin as I have gotten older. Still I have enough dark brown curls to make most women stare at it longingly wanting it for themselves.

All I have to say is, no you really don't. First of all the maintenance on curly hair is sort of ridiculous. I can't brush my hair. Ever. That is a cardinal sin of curls. You take a brush to your hair and all those curls are destroyed. Sometimes I can get away with a comb on wet hair with conditioner. Sometimes.

Then you get into the amount of product I have to use to make my curls look pretty and manageable. I use three different products after my shower to make my curls manageable. If I don't they are flat, lifeless, and wild looking (and not in that sexy disheveled way you see in movies). Also without the product I am subject to insane frizz if there is any humidity in the air.

Also there are hidden perils of curls. Earrings are a menace. I personally can no longer wear earrings because of allergies, but when I could they were a constant nightmare. Anything other than a stud and I was constantly having to rescue the earring from my hair (or perhaps it was the other way around). If you've never ripped an earring out with your own hair count yourself lucky.

Another thing people can't get enough of about me are my boobs. I have a huge rack. I know I have talked about the girls before, but seriously they border on ridiculous sometimes. They are there and totally unavoidable. Even for a fat girl my boobs are big. I could lose all the weight I wanted and they would still be a dominant feature.

Women with smaller breast want them, and men can't help but ogle them. Ok so pretty much everyone stares at my boobs, not just men. In fact I get comments from women more often than I do men. That is always a little awkward.

Again I have to ask why anyone would want them. Women who get augmentation to have huge boobs confuse me. I understand wanting to feel more feminine and womanly by having larger breasts, but there is a reasonable limit. Trust me ladies, GG is not a size to envy.

Can we talk about the fact that they are a pain. No, literally, they are a pain. I have back problems already, but making me severely top heavy helps absolutely nothing. They really do weigh you down. Also being a stomach sleeper they only get in my way and end up getting crushed and put in really uncomfortable positions while I try to sleep.

Then you have to address the fact that you have to clothe yourself with these things. My bras come from a specialty bra store. I can't just go to Walmart or even Victoria Secrets to buy a bra. I can't even go someplace like Lane Bryant to buy a bra. They don't carry anything in my size. So it is off to a specialty store where my options are incredibly limited and the prices are vulgar. You can buy a super cute and sexy bra for $20 while I am paying $60 for something that looks more institutional than anything else.

After I manage to solve the underwear issue, I then have to find shirts and dresses that fit me. It is a damn good thing I can sew, because alterations are a part of my life. My shirt size is on average two to four sizes (depending on brands and cuts) larger than my waist size. Dresses have a tendency to either hang around my waist like a potato sack or strain across my breasts in an almost obscene way. There is no such thing as a happy medium. Clothing manufacturers just don't make clothes for women shaped like me.

I could go on. I could tell you how you don't want my crazy long eyelashes because you will never be able to comfortably wear glasses without your lashes running into the lenses or how long lashes have a bad habit of turning in and growing toward your eyeball. I could tell you all about how what you see as adorable perfectly shaped cupid bow lips are only indicative that I have a very small mouth and find it difficult to make standard sized spoons and forks work for me. I could apply my clothing rant to my long legs and lament never being able to find boots that fit over what you call shapely strong calves.

I could also talk all about the things I see on other women and desire and hear endlessly rebuttals on why I really don't want that. I could lament having a flat ass and how much I would love a little more on my backside. I could tell you all about how tired I am of my pants sliding off my ass even with a belt on and how much I hate the saggy way my pants look. Of course you could come back at me with all your own pains of why having an ass is miserable.

I would love for there to be a day when I could look at myself and just be happy with what I have. There are days when I do love my curls, and my boobs, and my legs, and lashes, and even my flat ass. Typically I am not liking all these things at once, but there are days when I like some or even most of me.

I strive to be comfortable with myself. I strive to be content. I strive to not be envious of others.
Of course I see a frizzy curl hanging in my peripheral vision as a scrape crumbs from lunch out of my cleavage, and I think that maybe these are goals I will never fully achieve.

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