Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Take me as I am

Have you ever stopped to wonder how it is you got to where you are now? How is it you came to be the person you are in the life that you live?
Is this where you planned to be?
Are you where you wanted to be?
Are you what you expected to be?

Every little thing we do shapes who we are and the lives that we lead. From the most mundane things to the most crucial details, everything leads up to who we are. You have to wonder though, how did you really get here, and where is here anyways?

When I was in high school, as a senior planning for college and the future, I received some advice from our Administrative Assistant, Fred Chavez. Chavez was a great man. He had been a drill sergeant in the army, he was my theatre teachers (and mentor) best friend, and he always was very kind to me. One day he looked at me and told me that it did not really matter what I did, as long as in the end I was still me.

At the time I found it to be very good advice. I liked who I was and I didn't want to come out of college not being me anymore. I wanted to be me with more knowledge and experience. It seemed like a fairly simple thing to do.

Now I am not sure if that girl I was could look at me and recognize me.
So did I fail? Did college and life alter me and change me? Did I lose me somewhere along the way?

No I don't think I did.
I don't think I knew who I was then. I am not sure I was me yet. I think I was still inside waiting to escape. It was all the strange and crazy adventures I had, all the unique individuals I met, everything that happened that allowed me to finally be me.
Sure they shaped me and changed me, and I am not that girl anymore, but I am not someone else.

My core has never changed. The things I believed deep down inside are still there, they just show more now. I found confidence and security, I learned to be brave, I found the harsh edges to my soft sides, I spread my wings and ran like hell (because really I am more of a flightless bird).

Am I happy with where I am?
Yes I am. I mean happiness is ridiculously subjective, but in my mind I am happy. I am comfortable but not stagnant which are very important things to be. Things are not easy, nothing is ever easy. Things are not perfect, nothing is ever perfect. My life though is good.

Will this be my life in five years? In ten years?
Maybe. Probably not.

Will I be the same person I am now?
Maybe. Probably not.

Will I still be me?
Yes, I believe I will be.

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