Monday, December 17, 2012

No day but today

Today my heart is heavy and my soul feels sad. I know that my people, my clan, my family of choice are feeling this weight of loss and sorrow today as well. I wish I had no need to write this post now, or ever again.

I know that the world is still reeling from the tragic events of last week, but in my world, in our small corner of existence, our own small tragedy seems to be the only thing to focus on. Death is never something that comes without the price of sorrow on some level. Whether it is senseless loss of life, the end of a long struggle, or simply passing in the night, it never seems fair.

I've been staring at a blank screen for most of the day trying to think what I can write here. What can I write that is a comfort to myself and to my loved ones in this dark hour. What can I write that would do justice to the man who is no longer here with us. What can I write that will ease the strain on my soul.

I am not sure there are words.

The truth is that this is a post that I have written in the past. It is a post that I will write again in the future. The truth is I have reached a point in my life where the words 'natural causes' are going to be more likely when taking that painful phone call. No longer is it senseless tragedy alone that will claim those I care for. Sometimes it will just be that time.

While riding silently home last night, after spending the evening amongst familiar faces, drowning our sorrow in beer and fried food, I simply clung to the husbeasts hand as we drove. I didn't know what to say. He didn't know what to do but choke on a few tears. He looked over at me, lit only by the glow of the red light we sat at and told me in a raspy voice that it was just one more promise he couldn't keep.

He said it was only something small. It was something that normally would not have mattered. The last time it was only a promised steak dinner. This time it was only the promise of a warhammer game and some beers in the garage. It was nothing that should have been anything of consequence. Now though it is a promise that will never come to pass and suddenly it seems like the entire world.

Death seems so much harsher lit by the bright lights of a Christmas tree and surrounded by the sounds of Silent Night. It seems so much more unfair as we enter a season designed around togetherness and family and showing your love for those around you. It seems so much worse when there is suddenly a hole in your world.

I suppose it makes us hug those that are still here a little tighter. It makes us say I love you with a little more reverence. It makes us smile upon a freshly born child a little more. It makes all those meaningless promises so much more important to fulfill.

Today is a day I didn't want to write a post, this post in particular. I am sorry that I had to do it. I am sorry that someday I will have to write it again.

I am happy though that I can write it. I am happy that I am blessed enough to have people that I love so very much. When I lose one it weighs heavy on my soul, but I would rather this brief pain than not have all the joy that they bring to me.

To those who have come before us and to those who are still here, always show your love. Leave no promise to tomorrow, because someday tomorrow might not come.

1 comment:

  1. The three things you should always say when you feel them: Thank you, I'm sorry, and I love you.