Thursday, October 13, 2011

I am my own worst enemy

I have no idea what my problem is here lately, but I certainly seem to have one. The last three weeks or so I have been in a cycle of self sabotage. I have been skipping the gym, I have been skipping my supplemental workouts, I have been making horrendous food choices, and I have generally been a lazy useless beast falling behind on all of my chores and obligations.

Part of me wants to blame it on faire starting. I want to say that with losing my weekends and all of the prep that goes into faire, I simply have misplaced my spare time and energy. Only I know that is a total lie. Yes losing my weekends does make things a little tighter during the week, but not to the point that I can't get anything else done. It simply means I lose one night to prep, and even that I don't lose so much. It is more of an altering of priorities.

I just can't explain it. I feel like I am failing miserably at my self control and my determination. I am actively choosing to do this to myself, and I know what the consequences will be. I just don't seem to care. Suddenly an ice cream and time watching TV sounds like a totally valid option as opposed to a fresh salad and an hour at the gym. It is not like I can't get in my TV time after the gym, and I like salad more than ice cream, but it is not stopping me from making these choices.

Every day I look back at my actions from the day before and I cringe. I tell myself every morning that I am stopping such poor behavior today. Today I will make good choices. Today I will do responsible things. Today I will get back on track. Then by 3:30 I am at the vending machine buying a Twix, and at 5 I turn right out of the parking lot and head home instead of driving across the street to the gym.

I told myself this morning that today will be different. Today I will be better.
Only time will tell.

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