Monday, January 7, 2013

Dangerous love

I swear that my animals are trying to kill me. They are such wonderful sweet loving things most of the time. After the last few weeks I am beginning to think all that cute and fluffy is nothing but a disguise to their evil plans to do me in. Not the husbeast mind you, just me.

I mentioned that my oldest cat, Pig, was very sick just before and during Christmas. The old man was a head full of snot and a big ball of patheticness. I mean seriously he has the pathetic thing down. He is my baby though, even being the oldest of our pets. The longer you have them the closer you are. I can't tell you how badly I worried over him until he was completely better.

While the worry was bad for me that wasn't the part where I thought he was trying to kill me. He has been very cuddly and loving since he became sick, and even now that he is feeling better. The cat wants to be on me at all times. I love all the cuddling, except maybe when it results in me almost choking.

Last night he managed to situate himself on the blankets in just such a way that when I rolled over they caught around my neck. I was just awake enough to realize I was tangled in the blankets, though it took me a moment to figure out why I couldn't get them off of me so I could breath. Also when I tried to shove him off the bed with my elbow so I could free myself he did that thing where he turns into a ball of solid lead.

Of course the old man isn't the only one who has it in for me. The dog is trying really hard to hobble me. She may seem all sweet and like she is the biggest omega ever, but she is not. Do not be fooled by those big brown eyes and wiggly tail.

We always give the dog the bone from the Christmas roast. That is her present. She loves it. She will sit for hours and gnaw on that bone. Days. Weeks even. Well if you have had a dog  that you fed bones to you know that after a week or so anything that is left is nothing more than razor sharp shards of bone. I mean seriously how is the dogs mouth not shredded?

I should point out now that we have white carpets in our house. White bone shards mixed with white carpeting leads to nothing good. Especially since we never wear shoes inside the house. Ever. Yea you can see where this is going.

The first time I stepped on it I only barely caught it. I was carrying a cat to the bedroom and I noted out loud to the husbeast to be careful of the bone shard. I dropped the cat off and went back to retrieve the next cat. This required me to walk right past where I had just pointed out the bone. I made sure not to step on it when I went to get the cat, coming back I was not so lucky.

I managed to cut the hell out of my foot as I stepped on the bone full force. Actually I didn't break the skin since it her the thick calloused part of my heel just there it meets the arch. There was however clearly a cut under the skin. It was long, ugly and bleeding. Oh and did I mention it hurt like hell?

I keep throwing the pieces away when I find them, but then she brings more out from wherever she has hidden them. The husbeast is good and picks them up and moves them out of the middle of the floor for me. The dog is good and moves them back immediately for me to step on.

Not to be left out though is the kitten. I swear she is trying to scare me to death. For years now we have had a hole in the shower wall in our guest bathroom. We had plumbing issues and have just never gotten around to closing the wall up and retiling the shower. Some day we will.

Until that day comes we have a gaping hole in the wall. A hole that is big enough for the cats to get into. Most specifically the kitten. The other two are quite a bit bigger not to mention older and disinclined to crawl into walls. I know that she can't actually get anywhere in the wall because of the way the studs are at that point, but I have this paranoid fear she will figure out how to do it and then get stuck causing us to have to rip down drywall to save the kitten.

As if that paranoid fear isn't bad enough (matched with the fear of not being able to find her and thinking she escaped) there is the placement of this wall. The wall on one side is the shower, on the other side it is the living room wall right where my spot on the couch is. It will scare the crap out of you when suddenly something is moving inside the wall behind your head.

No one ever said owning a pet wasn't an adventure. I just wish mine were not so keen on making it quite such an interesting, and sometimes painful, ride. 

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