I am a coward.
No really I am. I am not brave in any way. I might have been once as a child, but I do not really recall such a time. I get scared so easily at doing new things and big adventures, it is just the way I am. I will always choose the safe choice even if it is the boring choice.
I do not like to talk to strangers at all. In fact the only way I can get around to talking to people at faire (have I mentioned I am on cast at a local Renaissance Festival? No? Well I am. I am a random lane character who does improv and guerilla theater at a Ren Faire.) is if I am in character. Without that character front there, I couldn't manage to say a word. Even at that there are days I find it close to impossible to talk to people.
My husband can make friends anywhere. He will talk to the people in line at the grocery store, shopping near him, at the table next to us, standing around waiting for a movie, wherever. I swear you could drop him off in the barrio and he would show up hours later with three guys saying they were his new friends Juan and Pablo and Raul and they were going for a cerveza (which is pretty much the only Spanish he knows). He is unafraid.
I can not eat in a restaurant alone. The mere idea of sitting by myself in public and eating is terrifying to me. I tried in college to eat by myself in the cafeteria twice. The first time I made it about halfway through my frosted flakes before I just could not stand it anymore, and got up and left as fast as I could. The second time the cafeteria was so crowded that you had to share tables with someone, and a stranger came up and sat at my table. I made it all of three bites into my dinner before I thought I was going to start hyperventilating and just left.
Pretty much going anywhere alone wigs me out. It took a lot of time to be comfortable going to the grocery store by myself. The gym still makes me a little queasy since I am by myself. Sometimes places like WalMart or Target are still too much for me. I did go shopping all alone on my birthday and was alright, and I was very proud of myself. That was not the norm though.
So needless to say pretty much anything new and different scares the bejesus out of me, and mostly I would just rather not do it. I will probably lead a very dull and uneventful life due to this. Travel and adventure are just not on my plate unless someone drags me along and holds my hand.
Today is different.
Today I am being brave.
Today I am doing something that scares me beyond words.
Today I am having to find courage.
Today I am submitting a story to a magazine to see if I can get published.
A few months ago a friend in my writing group handed out a challenge to try and actually get some short stories published. I think I am the only person in our group that took up the challenge.
I love writing, and the idea of being published in anything is huge to me. HUGE. So it only makes sense that I would try. I just am so scared to. It really isn't the possibility of rejection that is scaring me either. I mean I do not think it is. Having them tell me no is not the worst thing in the world. I am sort of more scared that they will say yes. Yes is a snowball into more scary things and places. No is actually safe.
Safe or not, scared or not, ready or not...
Here I go.