Friday, August 19, 2011

Why bother?

Do you ever have those days when you just say "Why am I bothering?"
What is the point of all of this drudgery? Why am I subjecting myself to this completely unsatisfying life? For money to continue on through this? What have I come to?

I am having one of those days.
It is not that I dislike my life. Let me start by saying I actually really love my life. I have a good steady job that is easy enough, I have a loving husband, I have sweet fur babies, I have the most amazing friends in the world, and I have these kick ass hobbies that I adore. I am healthy, I am smart, I am talented, and I am comfortable. It is not a bad life.

That being said, I feel ...pointless today.
I look around my little gray cube, at my stack of regression testing, and my endless stack of bills, and think that this is not where I should be.

I used to have dreams. Big dreams. If you have asked me ten years ago where I would be the very last thing I would have said was in an office doing QA. I mean seriously, QA is some ridiculously dull and thankless work. The only thing I achieve at the end of the day is a headache from staring at my computer all day.

I went to college for theater. I was going to be a star. I was going to be in this electric creative world where I made stories come to life. I was going to be so much more than myself. Whether performing, or costuming, or whatever I landed in, I was going to be doing this.

And then I just wasn't.

Did I lose my fire? My drive? My desire?
Did those that fire burn out, or did I just let it die?

Is this really all there is for me? Am I going to go on day to day, living paycheck to paycheck, in this terribly beige world?

I have done nothing and I fear sometimes that I never will.
I don't want to belittle what I do get to do. I would never say that performing for the Renaissance Festival isn't the most amazingly rewarding thing, because it is amazing and I love it. Is that going to be my big accomplishment though? Is that enough for me?

I love to write but what have I written? A blog that a handful of my friends and, according to the stats, a person in Germany reads (Hi by the way!). At least I assume people are reading it, I have no real proof they are.

I feel like I could be so much more, that I should be so much more. Something. Anything. Only I am not.
I am just sitting here, in my gray cube, with my stack of regression testing, feeling sorry for myself.

I will be fine. I will sit here and pout and feel sorry for myself and then I will get over it. I always do.
I will remember that I have a wonderful life that I love, and I have all the potential in the world, I simply have to seize it and be brave enough to do something with it.

I can be more.
I will be more.

I bother because what other choice do I have?

1 comment:

  1. Geez...I had to make sure this had your name on it because I think I've written this same blog before. I'm sorry you had such a crap feeling day. Keep in mind how many people you make happy and how many people you inspire and how many people love may not be what you dreamed...but it's pretty impressive.