Monday, August 15, 2011

New starts, old inadequacies

Every time I start a new project the same thing happens.

First there is this wonderful initial excitement as I am flooded with new ideas. I get this wonderful heady feeling as the newness of it all almost overwhelms me. I am filled with inspiration for this thing that I want to create. I have these vibrant crisp images in my mind that I want nothing more than to make real.

Then the reality of creation hits me and nothing happens. I sort of stall out and just end ups spinning my wheels. Nothing is being created. The ideas are still there and it makes me almost anxious to have them brewing just beneath the surface. They are there ripe for the taking, and yet I can not quite reach them.

Suddenly I have a breakthrough. Out of nowhere I spew forth this small flood of genius. The ideas take solid shape of something real and beautiful. It is not perfection as it is still so fresh and raw, words with no edit, with no filter, just spread forth in a flow of pure creation. It is intoxicating to get that first bit out. It is this satisfying thing that has been made. It is something real I can point to and say "See what I have done."

Then the momentum starts to die. The ideas are still there, and still so fresh, and I am still creating but after that first burst everything seems to come a little slower. The rawness of it all seems really raw and almost ugly. Where the first burst seems so wonderful in its unpolished state, this second wave only seems to have brief flashes of the genius I was experiencing only a short time before. The ideas have still made it into creation, but I know that it will take much more work to transform this raw material into something consumable.

As my momentum begins to wane more I begin to question all of it. Is any of it any good? Was it ever any good? Is it salvageable? Am I just kidding myself?
I feel completely inadequate in what I am doing. I look at other peoples work, their sheer brilliance which seems effortless to me (though rationally I know they probably suffer from a similar process as I do) and I feel like I have no right to even compare myself to them let alone try and create anything.

It becomes a fight to keep the idea alive and moving. The excitement slips away and soon creation is like trudging through a thick mire. The questions and the doubts begin to outweigh everything. I can only hope for a second burst of raw genius to get my  momentum going again. I have to hope to find the energy and will to polish those second bursts into something I find vaguely acceptable.

I have to do it though.
I can't let the idea die.

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