Where have I been?
This is a question that has been running through my mind a lot lately. For well over a year now I have felt as though I am absent from my life. I am going through the motions and getting things done, but it is mostly out of habit and obligation. All the things that make me more than just a lump of animated carbon seemed to be missing.
My spark, my je ne sais quoi, just has not been there. The things that I do that make me happy, that express my passion, my being, have been neglected. I stopped writing almost completely, I only sew what I have to with the most minimal of effort, I haven't been cooking exciting foods, I have only barely been present for my RPG's, and even Faire has felt like something that is old and stale. Just gone.
Life I suppose is the answer to that. A couple of years ago things turned incredibly ugly at work for about seven months and I just buckled under the pressure. I was in a constant state of stress, I was having daily anxiety attacks, and I was just reacting to the situation poorly. I neglected myself on every level because I just didn't know how to cope.
Once things evened out at work I suppose I just never really bounced back. I was in this strange place where I was surviving with minimal effort and I just decided to stay there because it was easy and I was still so very exhausted. I figured some time to fly under the radar would allow me to build up my reserves again, but it honestly just wore me down more.
Last summer we decided to buy a brand new house. When I say brand new I mean built from the ground up. Everything about it was new and shiny and ours. It was a process that took almost an entire year, and has been another source of incredible stress and anxiety. While it was not as bad as the work drama, it still took its tole on me. If I had managed to build any reserves up I burned through them well before the house buying was over.
Even though we have been in the new house nearly four months now we have still been dealing with our old house. We had hoped to rent it out but finally came to the decision that the best thing for us was to sell it. Either way we went it required an intense amount of time and energy to make the house ready to be sold. When you have a house that is falling apart you have to do a lot of work to make it sell-able.
We are still in the final steps of finishing the old house and even though we are so very very close to being done, it feels so far. We had a set back mid week last week where a pipe was accidentally drilled into. Aside from having to fix a pipe and the wall that was damaged, we had to rip out the carpet padding that was less than a week old and will have to replace it. As we were waiting for the emergency water removal people to show up at 10pm on a Tuesday, I just laid down on the soggy floor and cried because I didn't know what else to do.
I realized after I had a good cry on the carpet that I have been letting this stress run my life. I keep telling myself that I just have to finish _____ and I can relax and get things back to normal. I am realizing now that I have filled in that blank a dozen times now and I still have not relaxed or found normal again. I don't even remember what normal is anymore.
I realize now that there will always be that blank to fill in. I have to keep living while waiting for the next blank. I have to find my normal among all the stress and crazy. I have to find the joy in my writing, and cooking, and performing again. I have to find time for my husband, and my friends, and for me.
I can't let my life live me.
I need to live my life before it is gone.