This was an event that happened to me last Thanksgiving when I attempted to go grocery shopping the day before. I posted this in my LJ at the time. I was re reading it and decided that it was worthy of posting here.
November 29th 2010:
I discovered this past week that if you wish to lose faith in
humanity that all you need to do is go to the grocery store the day
Typically I am a smart human and do all of
my Thanksgiving shopping well in advance. If the item is not perishable
it is at the latest purchased the Friday before the big day. If it is
fresh produce or the like, I try and get it as early as possible, so as
to avoid the crazed crowds in the store.
This year I was not
making Thanksgiving dinner. The plan was to head down to my parents
house for the first time in forever. My mother left me a slightly
incoherent text on Wednesday afternoon which said she had forgotten cool
whip and bell peppers at the store, but there was no way in hell she
was going back there, and we would suffer without. Me being the good
daughter I told her I would grab some before we left Dallas.
intentions make me a foolish mortal.
So after I got out of the
office early I headed to my local Kroger, and while the parking lot was a
little full for 3:30 on a Wednesday, it was not too bad. I found a
decent parking spot and hurried in. There were no hand baskets, only one
lonely cart, so I snatched it up. Sure I was only there for bell
peppers and cool whip, but at the last moment I decided to get stuff for
Jessie to make crawfish pie for my parents as well, so I needed
The produce and bread section were almost empty of
people, so I swooped in and grabbed my bell peppers without any incident
at all. It was like any other grocery trip really. I was starting to
think the pre Thanksgiving grocery hysteria had somehow magically missed
Then I tried to go further into the store. The top
end of the aisles was blocked completely. Our Kroger is set up with the
dairy section at the end of the aisles of canned food, and apparently
everyone was needing something there. It was intimidating just looking
at it, so I hooked down the chip aisle intent on using the short cut
though to get across to pasta and back up to the end section to get down
to frozen foods.
It was a good plan until I got blocked in by a man
who had half parked his cart in the middle of the aisle while he stood
looking intently at a display of stuffing. His feet were spread, his
arms to his side and slightly elevated, his shoulders rolled forward, a
look of intense concentration on his face; I honestly thought at any
moment he was going to tackle the wild Stove Top Stuffing before it
I tried to back up but there was suddenly a backflow of
shoppers from the canned vegetable aisle, and so I was stuck until
someone moved so I patiently waited.
That is when I heard it.
are MY french fried onions!"
The woman's voice was irate and she
was not being quiet at all. I turned over my shoulder to see what was
Two women stood at the end of the canned food aisle,
both with carts overflowing with their shopping bounty. The woman who
had spoken was standing with one hand gesturing wildly, the other
planted on her hip. The second woman was standing, protectively
clutching a can of French's French Fried Onion's to her chest, you know
the fried oniony bits you put in green bean casserole.
woman A had been standing in front of the onions, and woman B grabbed
the can first. Also this was the last can in the store.
conversation, or argument as it turned into quickly went like this:
A: Those are MY french fried onions.
Woman B: No they are mine, I
got to them first.
Woman A: I was about to take that can, you
cut in front of me!
Woman B: You were just standing there. You
weren't reaching for them or anything. How was I supposed to know you
Woman A: Well I was looking for other things too, I
have a lot of things on my list. I was going to get those.
B: Well you should have gotten them faster then.
Woman A: But I
NEED those onions.
Woman B: Well so do I.
Woman A: But
they are on my list (thrusts list at Woman B)
Woman B: They are
on my list too (thrusts her list toward Woman A)
Woman A (Voice
getting much louder) : I NEED those. They are MY French Fried Onions!!
B (also getting louder): No they are mine!
Woman A: Those are
the last french fried onions in the store, maybe the city and I need
Random shopper A: You know you don't need those. Just go
over to the frozen food section, buy frozen onion rings, cook them until
they are really dry and use them instead. They are actually better.
shopper B: Or Funyons work too. Sounds gross but it works.
A (Now practically shouting): NO!! My recipe calls for french fried
onions and that is what I need. THOSE ARE MY ONIONS!!!
was about the time the fearless Stuffing hunter in front of me had
managed to wrestle down his prey and move his cart enough so I could
scoot by, so I hauled out of there before things got really ugly. In my
mind after I left, the other holiday shoppers made a makeshift ring with
their carts, and an angry housewife cage fight took place, to which the
winner took the french fried onions, and the loser was relegated to
And people wonder why holidays get to me.
found it a sad state of affairs that people would almost come to blows,
and hysterical public displays over something as silly as french fried
onions. I mean I know Thanksgiving is a big deal, and bigger to some
than others, but it is just dinner. The day is not about the food. I
mean don't get me wrong, it is about gorging yourself on tasty tasty
morsels, but the ACTUAL point of the day is the people and things you
are thankful for. Spending time with loved ones and all that jazz. The
food is a pleasant bonus. And while we all like things to be just right,
and as we pictured, sometimes you have to make the Funyons work for
This is how our society is going to end. Not from
weapons of mass destruction, or form terrorists, or disease.
the end of our society is going to be angry housewives and there blood
lust for French Fried Onions.